


The Road Home

by Jessica_Bones_Winchester



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky gets help, Drama, F/M, Romance, Slow Burn, eventually, mental health, the doctor believes in Bucky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-12-21 14:35:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11946315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessica_Bones_Winchester/pseuds/Jessica_Bones_Winchester
Summary: CA:CW AU starting at the point Bucky is captured. A legitimate Doctor talks to Bucky and agrees to help him. (Eventual pairing. Slow burn.)





	1. Chapter 1

DAY 1

She smoothed a hand down her tan skirt as she sat and pulled out her glasses. She placed them on the table in front of her and looked at the man in the box. He didn't look evil. He didn't even look crazy. He looked tired.

"Hello, Sergeant Barnes," she said. "I'm Doctor Spencer. I've been asked to come talk to you today, if that's all right."

He said nothing; just stared straight ahead, past her as if she wasn't even there.

"Sergeant Barnes seems so formal. Would you prefer I call you James?" No reaction. "You could call me Sasha, if you like."

There. His eyes flicked to her for just a moment before he looked away again.

"Captain Rogers tells me he calls you Bucky. Would you prefer that?"

Nothing.

"Well, then, for the sake of brevity I think I'll call you James."

Sasha put on her glasses, brushed a lock of her light brown hair from her face, and picked up her pen.

"Do you understand why I'm here, James?" She waited for a response, but didn't get one. "I'm supposed to evaluate your mental state. Captain Rogers believes your past actions were not under your control, and that you aren't guilty of the bombing. Is that true?"

After several moments of silence, Sasha removed her glasses and leaned back in her chair.

"I'm not the enemy, James. Your silence will only hurt your cause if you're innocent. Just one word; that's all I want. Were you involved in the bombing?"

Sasha realized she wasn't getting an answer, so she collected her things.

"No."

Sasha looked up. Barnes was staring straight at her now.

"I wasn't involved. And that's all I'm saying to you."

"Fair enough."

The meeting with the Accord council gave her a headache. She sat at a table before the panel and stated her case; Barnes's case. After four hours of worse case scenarios and lots of legalities, Sasha managed to convince them that the little time she had with Sergeant Barnes was not enough for anyone to make professional analysis.

"I believe Captain Rogers is correct. Barnes is not guilty of the bombing, but he's also not very forthcoming. If I'm going to help him, or learn anything about what happened to him, I need time. He needs to be transferred to my hospital."

"You don't have the man power required to hold a soldier like Barnes. He would break out as soon as you turned your back."

"Have you actually looked at him since you brought him in? Does he look like a man plotting his escape? Once he was caught, he came without struggle. He's sitting in that bulletproof box, completely bound, and the only vibe I'm getting from him is that he wants to take a nap. If Barnes was the killer you say he is he would already be out, because you never would have got him here."

The people on the panel exchanged looks.

"If we turn Barnes over to you, he is your responsibility. If anything goes wrong, you will be held accountable."

Sasha stopped breathing. This would put her entire career on a chopping block, for one patient.

"Fine."

 

DAY 2

Steve Rogers was allowed to accompany Barnes to the mental facility and stay just long enough for Barnes to settle in his room. Sasha knew that Barnes had to trust her. Allowing him to have contact with his best friend was a good start, but it meant nothing if he wouldn't talk to her.

After changing into the thick white scrubs worn by all patients, Barnes was escorted by orderlies to her office. She didn't usually do sessions there, often preferring to go to the patients' rooms since they sometimes became highly aggitated, but she wanted to invite Barnes into her space. It would let him get a glimpse of her, albeit a small one.

Barnes sat in a chair in front of her desk and stared straight ahead. His long hair obscured part of his face.

"Hello, James. Are you going to talk to me today?"

Silence. No movement.

"Well, at least you're consistent. You know, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. We could talk about life in Brooklyn... before the war. I have to admit, it's fascinating having a man from your time sitting here, not having aged. What has that experience been like for you? Are you adjusting to the modern world?"

She leaned back in her chair and twirled her pen in her hand.

"That time period had always fascinated me," she said. "Have you ever felt nostalgic for something you've never even experienced? That's how I am with that period. That must sound odd to you, since you lived it."

Sasha realized she was in for the long haul with this man. He wasn't giving her anything. Shut tighter than a clam.

"All right," she said. "I get it. You don't trust me. I don't know why, but I know that's the case. So, I'll let you talk if you want to talk. As long as we're having our daily sessions they can't take you to prison. So, talk... or don't talk. Your call."

She stood and grabbed a book from one of her shelves, then sat behind her desk with her feet up, crossed at the ankles. At first she only pretended to read, hoping her nonchalance would put him at ease enough to open up, but after several long minutes she began to read.

A knock at her door told her their time was up. She closed her book, put her feet on the floor, and sighed.

"I'll see you tomorrow, James."

 

DAY 3

"Good morning, James. I thought we could get our session done early today. Are we going to talk?"

Barnes stared straight ahead.

"All right. Why don't I tell you a little about myself, then? I was born in 1982, in a small town in Virginia. My dad was military. He met my mom in Russia, and they married before they came back home. That's why my name is Sasha. My mother insisted on giving me some of her culture. She taught me a little Russian, but we mostly spoke English in the house so she could learn and stay practiced." She leaned back in her chair. "I've been running this hospital for almost three years. My main focus, with all of my patients, is to help them. Now, that means something different for each patient. I don't believe in a one-size-fits-all psychology. That's why I need you to talk to me."

She leaned forward with her forearms on her desk, but Barnes didn't flinch.

"You're not comatose in there, are you?"

"No."

"Good. That's something."

She pulled her book from the shelf and propped her feet up.

"Let me know if you want to talk."

This time she didn't pretend. She began reading right away.


	2. Chapter 2

DAY 10

Sasha read her book, as she did every day waiting for Barnes to want to talk. She would greet him, then pretend he wasn't there... almost. She kept herself aware of any tension he might be feeling, but there seemed to be none.

He was a model patient. He did as he was asked (never commanded, per her instructions). She gave him choices as often as she could. He ate when scheduled, exercised when scheduled, and slept when it was lights out.

Halfway through their time together that day, he slouched into his chair. That was a first. Sasha caught the movement out of the corner of her eye, but didn't fuss over it. She just kept reading. It was progress; a sign that he was feeling even the slightest sense of security in her presence.

DAY 16

Sasha started using her sessions with Barnes to get some actual work done. She worked on case files and researched how things manifested in her patients, often going to her bookshelves multiple times.

Looking over a patient's file, she groaned. She would need a book from her top shelf, and her stepping stool broke the week before. At 5'7", she wasn't short, but the books on her top shelf were just high enough that she could only brush her fingertips over the spines.

She tried anyway. On tip-toes, she wedged her fingertips between the books and tried to find a grip, but she was struggling. She froze when Barnes's metal hand touched her shoulder. His flesh arm reached around her, his body pressed against her back, and he removed the book she needed. He stepped back and held it out to her without a word.

"Thank you."

Barnes nodded and walked to the window. He folded his arms across his chest and stared out over the third floor view.

Sasha returned to her desk. This was definitely progress. For a trained assassin to turn his back on someone signified trust. Or a test. She stared at his shoulders. There was some tension there. Maybe he really was testing her.

DAY 19

Barnes spent three days staring out of the window. Sasha finally decided to push a little.

"Would you like to go for a walk this session?"

He turned and stared at her.

"That's allowed?"

"Some people prefer it. It can help clear the mind."

He nodded.

Two orderlies followed them at a distance as they strolled around the grounds. Barnes stared at the sky for a while, then focused on the grass.

"Do you prefer being outdoors?" Sasha asked.

"Sometimes. If the sun's out."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Thanks."

"The night nurse tells me you're having nightmares."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"All right."

They fell into silence and continued their walk.

DAY 22

Barnes stared out of the office window at the rain. The crossed arms were gone, replaced by a more relaxed stance with his hands folded behind his back. A soldier at ease.

Sasha stood on her new stool, flipping through the pages of the second book she pulled, getting frustrated that she couldn't find the one she needed. She shoved that book back onto the shelf and lost her balance, teetering on the edge for just a second before she slipped and fell right into Barnes's arms.

"You all right?" he asked.

"Yes. Thank you for catching me."

He put her on her feet. "You need to be careful. That thing wobbles."

"I've noticed."

"You should move those books to a lower shelf."

"I don't use those that often. I just have a patient with very specific signs, and they're in those books."

"Am I that patient?"

She chuckled. "No, it's not you. There's nothing specific about you."

He returned to the window, and Sasha to her desk, but she kept her eyes on him for a moment.

That night she sat finishing her notes for the day. In Barnes's folder she wrote "Expressed concern for my safety. Took action to assist me. Not the marks of an unfeeling killer."

DAY 25

Barnes entered Sasha's office with purpose. He picked up her stool and her trash can, then sat in the chair. He pulled a small piece of sandpaper from his waistband and went to work on the stool legs.

"James... where did you get the sandpaper?"

Silence

"Did Captain Rogers sneak that in?"

"No."

Not just silence, but a lie to protect his friend.

"This doesn't work if you lie to me, James."

"It also won't work if you break your neck falling off this thing when I'm not here to catch you. I can fix it. Let me. I'll leave the sandpaper with you when I leave."

It was Sasha's turn to be silent. That was the most the man had spoken at once since they met.

She nodded, and he went back to work on her wobbly stool.

That night in her notes Sasha wrote "Broke the rules, but to help someone else. Lied, but to keep a friend's confidence. His show of concern for others is obvious."

DAY 27

Barnes stood at the window. The sun was shining, but he declined a walk. He was silent for the first ten minutes of their session.

"I want the nightmares to stop."

His gaze stayed fixed outside.

"I might be able to help you with that, but I need you to talk to me."

His shoulders tensed, and she knew she was about to lose him.

"You talk," she said. "I'll just listen. You only tell me what you want to share."

"You know what I am."

"I know that you were turned into an assassin. I know what your files tell me, but I need you to tell me who you are."

"I'm a killer."

"That's what they made you. That's not who you are."

He looked at her over his shoulder. "Isn't it?"

"I don't think so."

"You don't know what I've done."

"You remember what they made you do?"

He only nodded as he stared out the window again.

"Is that what your nightmares are? Memories of those things?"

"Certain jobs... certain kills... they were harder to deal with when the control over me faded."

"You want to tell me about them?"

He was quiet.

"James, anything you tell me here is just between us. You're safe here. I promise."

"Call me Bucky."


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky did most of his talking at the window, looking out over the garden and the horizon. He rarely turned around, and sat even less. He was trying to detach himself from his words, portraying them as cold, hard facts instead of something he experienced. She let him go on that way for two weeks. That was when he finally sat down, leaned forward and put his head in his hands. His silence returned, and neither of them spoke for the rest of the session.

The next day, Bucky sat in the chair instead of going to the window. Sasha took that as her opportunity.

"Bucky, can I talk today?"

He leaned back in the chair. "Sure."

"You've done an amazing job these last couple of weeks. You've been very open, and very honest, and I am grateful that you finally trust me enough to let me help you. That being said, you're still holding back."

He pursed his lips and she knew he realized what she was saying was true.

"You've told me a lot about what happened to you... what was done to you. You haven't told me how it affected you."

"You're smart, Doctor. You can see how it affected me."

She grinned despite her best efforts. "You seem to think you really are what they made you."

"I am."

"Let me ask you a question. If there were no Hydra, no Captain America, no Winter Soldier... what would you have done after the war?"

He stared off into the distance. "Come home and got married, probably."

"Did you have a girlfriend?"

"Not really."

"But to get married was something you wanted?"

"Sure. One day."

"What about now?"

"What about it?"

"No more Hydra. No more SHIELD. There's no one controlling you now. Is marriage still something you-"

"No."

"Why the quick answer?"

"Because I'm not exactly normal anymore, am I?"

He flexed his metal arm, and it moved like a wave down to his hand.

"Lots of soldiers have prosthetic limbs."

"Not ones that can throw a grown man through a wall."

"All right. I'll give you that. So, no marriage. What about a career?"

"Doctor, are you trying to make me a productive member of society?"

She shrugged. "Why not?"

"Because it'll never happen. There's no normal life waiting for me out there."

"What about joining the Avengers?"

"Now you sound like Steve."

"Captain Rogers thinks you should?"

He nodded.

"You don't want to?"

"I think too much has happened for that. I've tried to kill them."

"Including Steve."

"Exactly."

"He forgave you."

"Best friends tend to do that."

"You don't forgive yourself."

"Should I?"

"Yes."

Bucky shook his head.

"New question. If I were to let you walk out of here right now, completely off the radar... what would you do?"

Bucky sighed and stared at the floor. "Hide."

"Why?"

"Because as long as I'm alive, someone can control me."

"How?"

Bucky eyed her carefully. "Doesn't matter."

Sasha nodded and leaned back in her chair. "Trust issues are back."

"They never left."

"You're worried you'll never really be in control of yourself again."

He stayed silent, but his eyes bore into hers.

"There's still something in you that they can control, and that has you terrified. That's part of your nightmares, isn't it?"

Bucky nodded and Sasha leaned forward.

"Don't you see that the fact you are so worried about this proves that you're not what they made you?"

"If I'm not what they made me, and I'm not who I was before they did this to me... who the hell am I?"

"That's what you have to figure out."

He shook his head. "I don't know if I can do that."

Sasha walked around and leaned against the front of her desk. She placed her hand over Bucky's metal one.

"We'll figure it out together."

Bucky stared at her hand on his, then looked into her eyes.

"Why do you care?"

Her thumb brushed over his hand before she pulled back.

"You're my patient. I care about the well-being of my patients."

Bucky nodded, then stood and walked to the window.

Over the next couple of weeks their sessions stayed much the same, but Sasha was able to catch Bucky in a few vulnerable moments. Sometimes she pressed. Sometimes she stayed silent. She felt him out each time to decide. His trust was the most important thing.

Sasha sat in her office going through patient files when there was a knock at her door.

"Come in."

Bucky entered the room, but lingered in the doorway with his hand on the knob.

"Bucky... we had our session already. Everything all right?"

"Everything's fine. I just..."

He glanced over his shoulder at the orderlies, and Sasha waved them away. They hesitated, but left.

"Come in, Bucky."

He closed the door and stood behind the chair he usually sat in.

"I was wondering if I could stay here for a while... while you're working."

"Not to talk?"

"No."

"You have your own room."

"I know, but it's... cold."

"Cold? It shouldn't be cold, we make sure-"

"Not that kind of cold."

"Oh. Well, the common room is always available."

"I think some of the others are uncomfortable when I'm around. Plus, I like the view from your window."

"You could take a walk."

"Too cloudy."

Sasha rubbed a hand over the back of her neck.

"If you don't want me here, I understand."

"Bucky, it's not that. It's just unusual. But your situation is unusual."

She cocked her head toward the window. A small smile pulled at Bucky's lips as he walked over.

"I have a session in about half an hour. You understand you can never be in this room by yourself?"

"I understand."

She nodded. "If I'm here, you're welcome any time."

He looked her in the eyes. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Bucky spent several days in her office outside of their sessions. He was usually so quiet she would forget he was there. For the first time in weeks, she needed a book from her top shelf. She stepped onto her stool and Bucky's metal arm wrapped around her waist and put her back on the floor.

"Which book do you need?"

"We need to have a discussion about personal space."

Bucky grinned. "It was the fastest way to get you down. Which book?"

She pointed. "Blue spine."

He grabbed the book with ease and handed it to her.

"Thanks."

"Welcome."

Weeks later Sasha felt like Bucky was pulling back in his sessions, but he was more open and relaxed other times he was in her office. She nudged him gently with questions, but he sometimes fell silent.

"I need you to talk to me, Bucky."

He leaned his head back and dug the heel of his hand into his thigh.

"I'm so tired of talking about myself."

"That's kind of the point of what we do here."

Bucky caught her gaze as he lowered his head.

"Do you know what I was doing when I saw my face plastered on the front page? Buying fruit. I was just trying to live a normal life, off the radar."

"And were you doing that?"

"Until that bombing, yeah."

"You were happy?"

"I was in control of my own life. My own actions."

"That's not what I asked."

"Yeah, I was happy. Happier than I'd been since the war."

"What about before the war?"

"No. Of course I was happier before the war, but I have to settle for what I can get."

"Why do you have to settle?"

"Why?" He held up his metal arm. "That's just the beginning." He wasn't yelling but his voice got louder and harsher as he tried to reign it in. "My brain is wired so anyone can take control of me if they know how. I have to watch how much effort I put into things, because if I'm not careful my strength gets away from me. The people I've killed haunt me in my sleep. So, yes. I settled for the simplest sense of peace I could find."

He slammed his metal fist on the arm of the chair, and it shattered. Sasha flinched and covered her face with her notepad to block a couple of stray pieces of wood.

The tension fell from Bucky's face and his brow furrowed.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"It's all right."

He ran his hand through his hair and went to the window.

"This is useless," he said.

"This is progress, Bucky."

He pointed to her broken chair. "You call that progress?"

"You let yourself get angry over what was done to you. You spent all this time accepting it, trying to push forward. That's good, in its own time, if you've already allowed yourself to be angry and grieve the loss of the life you had. But you never did that. It's all bottled up inside. You just let some of it out in a place that's safe for you and everyone else. That's progress."


	4. Chapter 4

Another month passed as Bucky made more progress. He was finally being completely open about his feelings where his past was concerned.

He was still spending his free time in Sasha's office. She didn't even try to get books from her top shelf anymore while he was around. She would ask him for the book she wanted and he would get it himself.

One day she stood in front of her shelves looking for a book that was well within her reach. So, when Bucky's arm brushed against hers as he reached around her, she froze. His hand covered hers on the spine of the book, and he stepped closer, pressing himself into her back.

"What are you doing, Bucky?"

"Not settling."

He brushed his nose against her temple from behind, and Sasha closed her eyes.

"Bucky-"

"You make me want what I thought I shouldn't want."

"I'm glad you're starting to think about that, but it can't be with me."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't want me."

"I think I do."

"It's called 'transference.' You're projecting these feelings onto me because I helped you find them again, and we've spent so much time together. It happens to people with their therapists more often than you think."

His metal hand rested on her hip, and her breath stuttered.

"Then why haven't you pulled away?"

She slipped her hand from beneath his and turned to face him. He took a step forward, but she put a hand on his chest to stop him.

"I could lose my license."

Bucky's hands fell to his sides and he took a step back. He stared at Sasha for a long moment.

"What if I weren't your patient?"

Sasha shook her head. "You're doing too well to stop, and we both know you'll take forever to open up to someone new."

He ran his hand through his hair. "I messed up, didn't I?"

"No. No, we just move forward. Though it might be a good idea if you don't spend time in here outside of your sessions."

Bucky bit his lip and nodded. "Then I messed up. Truth is, your office is the only place I can really clear my mind."

Sasha's brow creased, so he explained.

"When I'm alone in my room, I can't stop thinking about things."

"You can always go to the common rooms."

"Where everyone stares at me like they're waiting for me to explode. You're the only person who's taken the time to see me, and not the Winter Soldier."

"That's not true."

"Steve doesn't count. He knew me before."

"We can't let this go beyond transference."

"This isn't transference."

"Bucky-"

"Sasha..." It was the first time he said her name. "You wanted me to be open and honest about how I feel. This is me being open and honest. I won't act on it. I don't want to cause you trouble. But when it's just us, I won't hide how I feel. I won't pretend anymore. Not with you. Not about anything."

He walked to the door, but stopped.

"Seeing Steve again... recognizing a friend... I needed that. I badly needed that. I started really remembering who I was. But you got me _feeling_ like myself again. Big difference."

"Yes, it is. An important difference."

He nodded. "See you tomorrow for the session."

Bucky left, and Sasha fell into her chair. She put her head in her hands and took a deep breath. She hadn't missed that Bucky was an attractive man. Having him pressed into her that way sent a flush of warmth through her. His admission of want only served to make her question her own attraction. Was it more?

It didn't matter. She couldn't pursue it. It would only hurt her career, and possibly keep Bucky from truly moving forward.

Bucky kept his promise about being open and honest. They talked about his dreams in detail for the first time in his next session. The killings haunted him; a form of PTSD that sometimes kept him awake at night. It was no wonder he looked so tired when they first met.

Bucky seemed to put his romantic notions aside. They went two weeks without either of them mentioning it again.

Bucky sat in the chair, replaced since he broke it, and waited for Sasha to finish a few notes. When she stood to return a book to the shelf Bucky sighed, and she turned around.

"Everything all right?"

"You look amazing."

She blushed at the unexpected answer.

"Bucky..."

"You wore that exact same outfit last month when I had a visit from Steve, and I told him then how beautiful you are... and that I was thinking about telling you."

"You told Captain Rogers?"

"He won't say anything. He was actually happy for me."

"Bucky, we can't-"

"I remember what you said."

"Good."

"I also remember what you didn't say."

"What does that mean?"

Bucky just grinned. "I think we're into my session time now."

* * *

 

Sasha shook hands with Steve and motioned for him to sit.

"Thank you for meeting with me," she said. "Sergeant Barnes says that he told you about some feelings of attraction."

"Towards you, you mean?"

"Yes. I want to make sure you understand the delicacy of this situation. What he's feeling is called 'transference.' It's a-"

"Beg your pardon, ma'am, but I've already talked to Bucky. I got here early to see him."

"Then he told you I could lose my license?"

"Yes."

"Good. That's the concern for me. My other concern is for Bucky. I worry that if he gets too attached to me then he won't truly get better."

"Bucky _is_ getting better. He's more like his old self every time I see him."

"That's good, but this kind of transference can be-"

"All due respect, Doctor, it's not transference."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Because I know Bucky. When we were growing up, Bucky never lacked female attention. I used to wish I had even half his charm. I saw him with girls he liked, and I saw him with girls he _really_ liked. I'm telling you, he really likes you."

She shook her head, struggling to find words.

"He can't."

"But he does."

She put her head in her hands. "I'm going to have to refer him to another doctor."

"Actually, Doctor, I was wondering what you thought of Bucky joining my team."

"The Avengers?"

"Yes. He seems to be so much better, and I wonder if helping people would help him work out some of his guilt."

"It could. He is very aware of the needs of others, and willing to help. Field work might not be the best idea right now, though. I'm sorry, I can't say why."

"I know why. His nightmares."

"Yes, actually. Killing someone, especially by accident, could set him back."

"The guilt."

"Right. Still, I don't think he'll stand by while you and your team go fight bad guys."

Steve nodded.

"So, at this point, Sergeant Barnes should remain here. But I need a favor from you."

"What favor?"

"Talk him out of this attraction he thinks he has for me. Don't encourage it."

"Look, Doctor-"

"For his sake. Believe me. It may seem harmless, but I've established a trust with him. If he feels like I'm rejecting him it could set him back."

"Are you saying you don't see him as anything more than a patient?"

"I'm saying it's this or I hand him over to another doctor, and his treatment starts all over. It would be a major set back."

Steve nodded. "I'll talk to him."


	5. Chapter 5

Three months later, Bucky sat in Doctor Spencer's office. He was wearing the clothes he wore when he was arrested; just a few minutes away from rejoining the world.

"You have to stay with Captain Rogers. You're being released into his care."

"Understood."

"We will meet once a week so I can evaluate how you're adjusting."

Bucky nodded and looked to the floor.

"Something wrong?" Sasha asked.

He shook his head.

"Bucky, don't lie to me on your last day here."

He took a deep breath. "I'm not supposed to mention it."

"Mention what?"

"You know what, Sasha."

"Oh... Well, if it's bothering you enough that I could see it, maybe we should talk about it."

"I'm just- I'm gonna miss you."

Sasha blushed and lowered her eyes. "Bucky-"

Someone knocked, and she cleared her throat.

"Come in."

And orderly poked his head inside. "Captain Rogers is waiting downstairs."

"Thank you."

"You were saying?" Bucky said when the orderly left.

"That I'll miss you, too. You are one of my most well-behaved patients, for sure. I've enjoyed getting to know you."

Bucky narrowed his eyes. "That's not what you were going to say."

"Yes, it is."

"Honesty is a two-way street, Doctor."

Sasha stood. "We shouldn't keep Captain Rogers waiting."

He followed her, but caught her wrist and pulled her against him.

"Bucky, I'm still your doctor."

"I know."

She looked him in the eyes. "Don't do this."

"Tell me the truth."

"I can't."

"You've never lied to me. Don't start now."

Sasha closed her eyes. "The truth is... I'm attracted to you, and I'm going to miss seeing you every day. Not just as a patient."

Bucky let go of her wrist and brushed his thumb over her cheek, but Sasha pulled away.

"That doesn't mean we can do anything about it. Especially while you're under my care."

"But I'm being released into Steve's care," Bucky said with a smirk.

"You know what I mean."

"Unfortunately, I do."

In the lobby, Sasha pulled Steve aside and handed him her business card.

"Keep a close eye on him. If it seems like he's withdrawing, or acting in a way unfamiliar to you, call me. I wrote my personal number on the back for emergencies. I'm leaving our usual session time open for a few weeks, so if he feels like he needs to talk to me as he adjusts he can call my office during that time."

Steve held up the card. "What about your personal number?"

"Only in an emergency, outside of my office hours. I prefer _he_ not call that one at all. It's more for you to contact me if needed."

"Boundaries?"

"Much needed," she said.

"He told me he wouldn't pursue it."

"And he hasn't... until today. I think he's been waiting to be released to try again."

"And you're still not interested?"

"I'm still his doctor. That's all that needs to be said."

Steve nodded, and Sasha walked back to Bucky.

"I'll see you next week," she said.

"Am I coming back here?"

"No, I'll come see you."

Sasha turned to walk away, but Bucky stuck out his hand.

"Thank you," he said, "for helping me."

Sasha shook his hand and smiled, but Bucky held on as she tried to pull away.

"Bucky," she whispered, "don't."

A week later, a car came to pick up Sasha and take her to Stark Tower. Steve met her on the first floor and showed her the way.

"Tony's letting us stay here a while. We figured it's the best place for Bucky in case something goes wrong. Tony and I will both be here, and the other guys come by sometimes."

"That's good. He definitely needs interaction."

"Well, I didn't say that was happening."

"What do you mean?"

"He pretty much stays in his room, or outside alone with the view from the top."

"He was like that in the hospital."

"Is that bad?"

"Not necessarily. I need to talk to him. Is there a private office we can use?"

"Sure."

Bucky sat in one of two chairs in front of the small desk. He stared at Sasha when she sat in the one next to him, on his left.

"You usually sit behind the desk," he said.

"I thought we should keep this a little less formal. Is that ok?"

Bucky shrugged.

"How are you doing, Bucky?"

"All right, I guess. Can't really complain."

"Because you have no reason to, or because you feel like you shouldn't?"

Bucky didn't answer.

"If you're having trouble adjusting you could have called me."

"I'm adjusting fine."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Stark."

"Is he giving you trouble?"

"No. He's a nice guy."

"Then what's the problem?"

Bucky leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. "You know my past."

"I do."

"I killed people."

"You did."

"Two of those people were Stark's parents."

Sasha tried to keep herself in check, but her eyes widened, and Bucky saw.

"You know for sure, Bucky?"

"I've seen their pictures around the house. I always remembered that night, I even remembered who it was, but I never made the connection to Tony. When I'm under... when I _was_ under their control, I was aware, but only at a certain level. Details would get buried."

"But sometimes they work their way to the surface."

Bucky nodded.

"Does anyone else know about the Starks?"

"Just Steve."

"Maybe we should invite Tony to sit in one of our sessions, and we can get it out in the open."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"How would you feel if I told you I killed people you loved?"

"I'd be hurt."

"You'd hate me."

"It was over twenty years ago."

"He thought his parents died in an accident. He'd be finding out they were murdered, and that the man staying in his house killed them."

"You've thought this through. You want to tell him."

"He deserves to know."

"But?"

"Is the truth really worth hurting him more?"

"If your places were reversed, would you want to know?"

Bucky sighed and shook his head. "I don't know."

"Don't you think it's better he find out from you than find out on his own?"

"I don't think it will make a difference."

"It might."

Sasha sat quietly for a few minutes to let him process. The muscles in his jaw flexed until he closed his eyes and lowered his head.

"What's your biggest concern if you tell him?" Sasha asked.

"I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. If I tell him, it will be like I'm killing them all over again... like he's losing them all over again."

Sasha put her hand on top of Bucky's metal one, and his gaze locked onto it.

"Bucky, thank you for trusting me enough to share this with me. I know talking about it isn't easy. It means a lot to me."

Bucky turned his metal hand over and wrapped his fingers around Sasha's.

"You're the only person I trust as much as Steve."

His metal thumb brushed over her hand, and she smiled.

"Can you feel that?" she asked.

"Not like real touch. I know I'm holding something, but it's not the same as-"

He took her hand in his flesh hand, and brought it to his lips.

"Bucky-"

"I dreamt about you last night."

"You did?"

He nodded.

"What happened in your dream?"

"You finally let me kiss you."

A grin tugged at his lips, and he stared at hers.

"Well, that was just a dream."

"It doesn't have to be just a dream."

Sasha shook her head and stood, but Bucky followed. When she turned to face him he wrapped his right arm around her waist and pulled her close.

"Do you want to kiss me, Sasha?"

"That's not the point."

"Yes, it is. Do you want to?"

Sasha nodded and relaxed into Bucky's arm, against his chest. He lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers. Sasha sighed. Bucky wrapped his metal arm around her waist and raised his right hand to her face. His thumb brushed over her cheek.

Sasha slipped her fingers into Bucky's hair and deepened the kiss. He lifted her off her feet. The metal of his arm was gentler than she expected, but strong enough to hold her against his body without much effort.

Her fingers trailed over the stubble on his jaw, then down his neck. Bucky put her back on her feet and slowly pulled out of the kiss.

Sasha took a deep breath.

"Bucky-"

"Don't." He slipped his hand into her hair, and kissed her forehead. "You can go back to being my therapist next week."

"I just wanted to ask you a question."

"Ok."

"Have you been with any women since they did this to you?"

"No."

"Not even kissing?"

"Not much time for that."

"Then I'm in trouble. If you kiss like that when you've been out of practice for seventy years..."

Bucky laughed and a blush colored his cheeks. His metal arm fell to his side, and he wrapped his other arm around her waist.

"Bucky, no one can know about this. Not even Steve. Not right now."

"Why not Steve?"

"We need to work out what to do with Tony, and Steve should be included since he knows about that. It has the potential to affect his relationship with Tony."

"That relationship is already strained."

"All the more reason to be careful."

Bucky nodded.

Sasha ran her hand down his left arm. She felt the hard metal beneath his sleeve. She knew that if they were to pursue anything she would have to show him that she accepted this part of him; that she wasn't afraid of it or put off by it.

She took his metal hand and pressed it to her cheek. His eyes followed her movement until his hand touched her face, then they met hers.

"We have some time left in our session," she said. "What do you want to talk about?"

"No talking."

His thumb brushed over her cheek, and he pressed his lips to hers.


	6. Chapter 6

Sasha met with both Bucky and Steve the following week to discuss the Starks. They all agreed that telling Tony was important, but that it had to be done delicately.

"Do you think Tony would meet with me privately for a few sessions? I'd like to be a little familiar with his mindset before we tell him, so that I can help him through it."

"I don't know," Steve said. "Tony is... Tony."

"If anyone can get him to agree, Sasha, it's you," Bucky said. "You should talk to him. Not me or Steve."

Sasha nodded. "All right. Steve, maybe you and I could do some sessions?"

"Why me?"

"Mostly because this involves you, and I'd like to make sure you're all right. It may also persuade Tony if he knows you're talking to me, too."

"Well, I'm fine."

"I'm sure you are."

"But if it will help Tony..."

"It might."

"Ok, then."

"Good. So, who's first today?"

She glanced between the two men as they looked at each other.

"Remember that I won't share anything you tell me with anyone else unless expressly asked or agreed to."

"I'll go first," Steve said.

Bucky smiled at Sasha as he left the room. Steve sat up straighter in his chair.

"You can relax, Captain."

"Call me Steve."

"All right."

"I'm not sure what you plan to get out of our sessions," he said.

"I just want to talk. How's it been having Bucky back?"

"Finding out that my best friend is alive? It's great."

"I'm sure it is. It must be hard, though."

"How so?"

"Well, you're still adjusting to modern life yourself, right?"

"Sure, a bit."

"And with your position, and what you do, to have your best friend come back as the Winter Soldier..."

Steve nodded. "That was rough."

"Tell me about that day when you realized it was Bucky."

* * *

 

Sasha was staring out of the wall of windows when Bucky entered the office. He wrapped his right arm around her from behind and pressed his lips into her hair.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"This, actually. Us. All the ways it could go wrong."

"I don't want to cause you trouble, Sasha."

"I know. And I don't want to pretend I'm not attracted to you. Not anymore. We just have to be careful... and that's not all I meant. I worry about you."

"Me? I got my girl. I'm good."

Sasha faced him. "That's just it. I can't be your girl _and_ your therapist."

"Why not? Who better to help me than someone who really cares about me?"

"It's not ethical."

Bucky sat and let Sasha pace around the room.

"Does my freedom require that I see a therapist?"

Sasha stopped. "No. When I released you, that was it."

"Then why do I need a therapist? I mean, officially?"

"Officially, you don't. But I do think you still have things to work through."

"You're right, I do. Don't therapists give free advice to their friends and family?"

"I guess."

Bucky shrugged. "Well?"

Sasha plopped down in the chair next to Bucky. "I thought I was the therapist here?"

Bucky grinned. "Just proves my point. I can work my issues out by talking with my girl."

He reached over with his right hand and squeezed hers.

"I still have the nightmares sometimes."

"That's not surprising. You're working though a lot."

"You know what helps me get back to sleep?"

Sasha shook her head.

"I imagine you lying next to me, holding me, telling me it's ok."

She squeezed his hand. "How often do you have these nightmares?"

"Not every night."

"More than once a week?"

Bucky nodded. Sasha brushed a lock of hair back from his face and tucked it behind his ear. Her fingers trailed over his jaw.

"It's ok," she whispered. She pressed her forehead against his. "They're just dreams now. It's not you."

"But it _was_ me."

"It was your body, not your mind. If you had been in control of your own mind, would you have done those things?"

"No."

"Then why do you keep blaming yourself?"

"I should have been stronger. I should have fought it more."

"Did you fight?"

Bucky squeezed her hand and shook his head. "I don't remember."

"But you said you should have fought _more_. Want to know what I think?"

Bucky nodded.

"I think you did fight them. I think you gave them hell. They erased anything from your memory that made you fight, including the memories of you fighting. Somewhere deep down you know that."

Sasha pulled back and brushed her thumb over his cheek.

"I wanna help people."

Sasha nodded. "You will, in time."

"No, now." Bucky got up and paced.

"I don't think that's a good idea. Not yet."

"Why not?"

"Honestly, I'm worried about what happens if something goes wrong."

"You mean if I kill someone. You don't believe I can change, do you?"

Sasha stood. "I don't believe you _have_ to change. You're not a killer, Bucky. I worry about what it will do to you if you have to kill a bad guy, or if you hurt someone by mistake."

Bucky sat on the edge of the desk, and Sasha stood between his legs and rubbed his thighs.

"I have to do this," he said.

"Ok. Will you at least wait until we tell Tony about his parents? Having you join them in the field might feel like a betrayal when he finds out the truth."

Bucky nodded and pulled Sasha into an embrace. He buried his face in her neck and sighed while Sasha combed her fingers through his hair. Bucky kissed his way to her lips and pulled her as close as he could.

Sasha ran her hands down Bucky's back. She slipped them under his shirt and pressed them against his bare skin, drawing a sigh from both of them.

"So," Sasha said, "if this were back in your day, and I was your girl, is this what we would be doing?"

"Not so soon. Not with nice girls, anyway."

Sasha pulled back and grinned. "And what are you implying about me, sir?"

"No... Just... It's different now. People don't take their time anymore; get to know each other."

"But you just said it's too soon for this, and we're still doing it."

"For back then, it is. Too soon after us both being on the same page with what we want, but we know each other pretty well, I think. By today's standards we're taking too long."

"You don't know that much about me, Bucky."

"Those weeks I wouldn't talk... did you think I was just siting there?"

"Yes."

Bucky smiled. "I was studying you, trying to figure out if I could trust you."

"Well, I figured that much, but that doesn't mean you know me."

Bucky took her hands in his and took a deep breath.

"You cross your legs when you sit. Right over left. Almost never the other way unless you've been sitting a long time, and you don't stay that way for long. I think it's uncomfortable for you."

"Simple observation."

"You use a click pen, and you play with it while you're thinking. Sometimes I think you want to click the top, but the sound irritates you. So, you might do it once, then stop."

"How could you possibly-"

"You only sit up straight when you want to show confidence or authority. You usually have this way that you sit... you kind of look like you want to draw into yourself. Do I need to keep going?"

Sasha shook her head.

"Maybe one more."

"Ok."

"When I do this..." he said as he slid off the desk and pressed himself into her. His hand caressed her cheek then slipped into her hair. "You stop breathing. Any time I've ever touched you, from the first time I got a book off your shelf. That first time, I thought it might be fear... but it's not.

"No, it's not."

Bucky pressed his lips to hers and opened his mouth. When Sasha deepened the kiss Bucky wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off the ground. Sasha wrapped her legs around him, causing her skirt to bunch. Bucky groaned, holding her up more so that her head was just a bit higher than his. His metal hand supported her weight as he slid his other hand up her bare thigh.

He sat her on the edge of the desk and his hand slid under the hem of her skirt. Sasha grabbed his wrist and broke the kiss, but rested her forehead to his.

"We need to stop."

"Why?"

"The same reason you should wait to go out in the field. Tony."

"What does this have to do with Tony?"

"If I'm going to mediate between you two, he can't feel like I'm on your side."

"But you are."

"Bucky, baby, there are no sides."

Bucky smiled and lowered his eyes.

"What?" Sasha asked.

"You just called me 'baby.'"

She grinned. "I did, didn't I?"

"I like the way it sounds."

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"I guess I've given in to the fact that I want you."

"It's about damn time."


	7. Chapter 7

Sasha dropped by Stark Tower every day for the next few weeks. Tony agreed to have a few sessions, and she didn't want to waste time. The sooner they told him, the sooner everyone could move forward.

The day came when they were all prepared. Bucky and Steve waited in the living area down the hall from the office.

Tony sat in his usual aloof manner. The mask of the carefree billionaire firmly in place.

"What are we talking about today?" he asked.

Sasha sat in the chair next to him.

"I actually have something to tell you today, with the permission of Sergeant Barnes."

"Really? He barely speaks to me. Just walks around this place like a ghost."

"He's trying to keep his distance, because he feels guilt over something that he had no control over."

Tony sighed. "What did he break?"

Sasha brushed past the sarcasm. "You know that Sergeant Barnes was used as part of a mind control experiment?"

"Yes."

"He was used for more than that."

"Right. He's an assassin."

"They used him as an assassin through mind control. He didn't do any of it of his own free will."

"Yeah, ok. What's your point, Doctor?"

"The night of your parents' car accident, your father was carrying something in his car. It was a serum like what was used on Steve Rogers."

"No. Nothing was found in his car."

"It was taken."

"By whom?"

"Sergeant Barnes."

Sasha let the weight of her words sink in. Tony paled as realization registered on his face.

"What was Barnes doing there?"

"He had orders."

"To do what?"

There was a tremble in his hand as he clenched his fist.

"I think you know."

"He caused the accident?"

"Yes, he did, but there's more to it."

Tony blinked back tears.

"What more could there be?"

Sasha put her hand over Tony's clenched fist.

"The crash isn't what killed them."

Tony was on his feet, and he paced the room before he flung the door open. Sasha went after him, into the main room where Steve was on the couch, and Bucky stared out the window.

He walked straight to Bucky, grabbed the front of his shirt in both fists then punched him square in the jaw.

"Tony, stop!" Sasha yelled.

Tony kept punching, backing Bucky against a nearby wall, but Bucky never raised a hand to defend himself. Steve tried to pull Tony off, but Bucky managed to push Steve away.

"I deserve it," he said.

""Damn right, you son-of-a-bitch!"

Steve kept trying to pull Tony off, but Bucky wouldn't let him. They all knew that without his suit Tony couldn't do any serious damage to Bucky, but he was drawing blood as he punched until his arms grew tired.

Tony backed away with tears in his eyes.

"Get out."

Sasha touched his shoulder.

"Tony, I want to talk this out."

"The bastard murdered my parents. What is there to talk about?"

"They used him. They were inside his brain, manipulating him. He never would have hurt your parents if he were in control."

Steve guided Bucky to the couch with a hand on his shoulder.

"Does that bring them back?" Tony said.

"No, it doesn't. But neither does beating Bucky or kicking him out."

"No, but it felt good."

"Did it? Or did it just drive the pain deeper?"

"Don't psychoanalyze me right now. He murdered them!"

"Just talk to me, ok? Give me five minutes, then we'll get Barnes out of here."

Tony glared at Bucky, then walked to the office. Sasha gave Bucky a sympathetic look. As soon as they made eye contact he looked away. She wanted to comfort him and talk him through the guilt and self-loathing she knew he was feeling, but she had to talk to Tony. Steve would sit with Bucky for now.

Sasha got Tony to calm down. He even agreed to have a few more sessions with her. But Bucky had to leave. He moved into Steve's one-bedroom apartment, turning the couch into his bed. Sasha met with him every day, but he wouldn't talk about Tony. He stopped flirting with her. He never tried to kiss her. The one time she took his hand he pulled it away.

A week later, Sasha was annoyed.

"Bucky, you have to talk to me."

They were in Steve's bedroom; the only place to get privacy. She sat on the edge of the bed while Bucky stared out of the window.

"I don't want to talk."

"Then why am I bothering to come here every day?"

He turned to face her. "I need you here."

"So you can ignore me?"

"I just need to know you're here."

"Bucky, you pulled away from me the other day."

"You were pushing me to talk. I don't want to talk." He took her hand and pulled her to her feet. "I just need you."

She stared at the cut on the corner of his bottom lip, and the fading bruises on his jaw and cheeks.

"Why didn't you just tell me that."

He shook his head. "No talking."

Sasha wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest. Bucky ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the top of her head.

They stood there in the quiet until Sasha realized the room was dark. The sun had set without either of them taking notice.

"We should let Steve have his room back," she said.

"Probably."

Sasha pulled away and had her hand on the door.

"Can I walk you home?" Bucky asked.

"I'm taking a cab."

"Steve got this place because it was close to the hospital. Don't you live close?"

"A few blocks."

"Let me walk you home."

"It's late."

"I can keep you safe."

Sasha smiled. "I don't doubt you can. That's not the point."

"I need you right now. And we can't crowd Steve. He's not supposed to know about us, anyway."

"Ok. You can walk me home."

Not much was said on the way back to Sasha's apartment, but Bucky held her hand and brushed his thumb back and forth over her skin. She let him walk her to her door inside the building, and got the sense that he wasn't ready to leave.

"Do you want to come in?"

He nodded, and she stepped aside.

She pointed to the couch.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'm going to shower. It's been a long day, and I need to get comfortable."

"I'll be right here."

When she got out of the shower she found Bucky looking at pictures of friends and family that hung on her walls, or sat in frames on her shelves.

"All of those people are alive and well. Stop worrying."

Bucky stared at her. "How did you know?"

"After what happened with Tony? You figured it out with pictures. And you asked me how I'd feel if you hurt someone I loved... you said I'd hate you."

"Still... I was only looking at pictures."

Bucky's gaze ran up her body until their eyes met.

"You look good in sweatpants." He pulled the clip from her hair. "I prefer this down, though."

He ran his fingers through it to fluff it up.

"God, doll, you're gorgeous."

Sasha blushed. Bucky grabbed her waist and pulled her against him. His lips touched hers in a soft kiss. He slipped his right hand into her hair and pressed his forehead to hers.

"I don't want to leave."

"Bucky-"

"Let me stay... Please."

His jaw was clenched, and his eyes were moist. Sasha touched his face.

"You can stay. I'll call Steve and let him know so he doesn't worry."

Bucky nodded.

"You hungry?"

"Yeah."

Bucky still didn't want to talk. They ate, then sat on the couch to watch television for a while.

"I have to get to bed. You want to stay up, or-"

"No, I'll try to sleep. Do you have an extra pillow and blanket."

Sasha grabbed his hand and pulled him to her bedroom. Her bed was just inside the door, to the left. She pulled down the covers on that side and motioned toward it, then went around to the other side.

"I can sleep on the couch," Bucky said.

"It's your call, but you don't have to."

Sasha got into bed and waited to see what Bucky would do. When he got in bed she scooted closer to him, on her right side.

"Come here."

Bucky wrapped his arms around her, and she pulled his head into the crook of her neck as they settled. He slipped his leg between hers, getting himself as close as possible.

"Comfy?" she asked.

He nuzzled her chin with his nose, then pressed a kiss to her neck.

"Very."

Sasha ran her fingers through his hair.

"I've got you, Bucky. You're going to be ok."


	8. Chapter 8

Sasha woke in the middle of the night, still tangled with Bucky in her arms. Her forehead rested against his. She pulled back enough to examine his face. He didn't look peaceful. His face was scrunched, and his eyes fluttered behind his lids. He was dreaming.

Sasha ran her hand over his head and down to his cheek to try to soothe him. Bucky grabbed her wrist, pinned her back to the bed, and grabbed her throat with his metal hand.

She gasped and pushed at his chest.

"Buck-"

His eyes were locked on hers with a coldness she had never seen.

"Ple... please."

The coldness faded, and confusion filled his face as he pushed himself away. Sasha coughed, gasping for air.

"I'm sorry." Bucky shoved his hand in his hair. "Are you all right?"

Sasha sat up. She coughed, but nodded her head.

"I'm so sorry."

She reached for his hand, but he got off the bed.

"This is why I pushed any thoughts of a relationship out of my head. I was an idiot to think this wouldn't happen."

"Bucky... you were having a nightmare."

Her voice sounded like it was being dragged over gravel. Her throat was on fire, but she wasn't about to tell him that. He left the room. She tried to call for him, but his name caught in her throat.

Bucky came back with water and sat on the edge of the bed as she sipped it.

"I can't do this," he said.

"Yes, you can."

"I almost killed you."

"But you didn't. I woke you up in the middle of a nightmare. It's my fault."

"Don't you dare."

He stared at her neck. The red already began to deepen to purple as bruises formed in the shape of a hand.

Bucky reached out with his right hand and brushed a finger over her discolored skin.

"I'm so sorry."

"We'll work through it. Now I know not to touch you when you're dreaming. I'll let you wake up on your own."

"I should leave."

"No, you need to stay."

"Then I'll sleep on the couch."

Sasha took Bucky's hand. He tried to pull away, but she held on tight and he didn't fight it.

"You were the one who pursued this. You pushed me to admit that I want you. You don't get to run away now."

"I hurt you."

"And you've apologized. Bucky, I know what's going on in your head, remember? I know you didn't want to hurt me. It looked like you didn't even see me. You saw someone else."

"It was Tony's mom. In the dream I was..." He looked away. "When you touched me it triggered an instinct to fight back. It was a mission. You were just someone I had to kill. A job I had to do." He grabbed her face with both hands and pressed his lips to hers. "That's what scares me. I don't want to hurt you."

"I know."

Bucky lifted her face and gently kissed the bruises on her throat.

"I'm so sorry.

Bucky lay her back, then pulled her into his arms as he lay next to her.

"What if it happens again?"

"We'll deal with it."

"What if I don't let go that time?"

Sasha put a hand to his face. "You will."

Neither of them slept well that night, and they both slipped into an exhausted sleep as the sun came up.

The call from the hospital woke her. Sasha was never late, so when the morning was half gone and she hadn't shown up for work her partner called. She told him she was sick, and her voice was still scratchy enough that he believed her.

Bucky was awake when she snuggled back into him. He pressed his lips against her head and sighed.

"I like this," he whispered.

"I do, too."

His fingers trailed over her throat.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not really."

Bucky nuzzled his nose into her hair.

"I'm so sorry."

"Bucky, stop apologizing."

"I have to stop these nightmares."

"We will. Give it time."

"What will you tell people? Those bruises are bad."

"I'll stay home until they're gone. Work thinks I'm sick. The other doctors can see my patients for me."

Steve was at the door an hour later. Sasha looked through the peephole, then had Bucky answer the door while she got dressed. She left her bedroom door open to listen to their exchange.

"So, spent the night, huh?"

"I messed up, Steve."

"Why? What happened?"

"I nearly killed her."

"What?"

"I was asleep, in the middle of a nightmare, and she woke me up. I grabbed her by the throat."

"And I'm fine," Sasha said as she walked up.

Steve stared at the scarf around her neck before he yanked it off, and his eyes widened.

"It's not as bad as it looks, and it doesn't look as bad as it did before." She turned to Bucky. "I think that was mostly the freshness of it happening... all the deep redness."

"It shouldn't have happened," Bucky said.

"No," Steve said. "Maybe you should come back to my apartment."

"Guys, the only way to get through this is to go straight through. We shouldn't avoid it. I was hesitant to let Bucky stay here to begin with, but now that this has happened, leaving would be a mistake. We work through it."

"How?"

"For starters, we work on your nightmares."

"That's great," Steve said, "but you've got a session with Tony today. You can't hide the bruising behind a scarf. It's too obvious."

"Only because Bucky told you what happened before I came out. Tony won't have any idea."

Sasha was right. Tony paid no attention to the scarf, and they made some progress in their session.

When she returned home, Steve and Bucky were sitting on the couch. Steve stood as she came in.

"I guess I'll get going. Sasha, if you need anything-"

"I'll call you. But I think we'll be ok."

Steve nodded and left. Sasha went to sit next to Bucky, but he pulled her into his lap and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he pulled the scarf from her neck. His lips brushed over the hand-shaped bruise, then he smoothed her hair back.

"How do we get rid of these nightmares?"

"It will take time. Bucky, your mind was manipulated in ways I didn't think were possible. The nightmares may never go away completely, but I'll try my best. At the very least, I want to make it so they don't overtake you that way."

Bucky nodded. "I never really had time to realize that anything was wrong. What they did... the way they scrubbed my memories..."

"They tried to. Didn't really work, did it?"

"It worked good enough. But seeing Steve, having him push for me to remember, it made me focus on what they did... what they took from me."

"What did they take from you?"

He looked at her like she'd grown a second head, but she smiled and he realized she was being his therapist at the moment, despite the fact that she was sitting in his lap. He rubbed his hand over her thigh.

"They took my choices... my entire existence. I was just a machine to them."

"But that's not all they took from you."

"Actually, it is. Not to say 'that's all' like it's nothing, because it's everything. But I was at war. I chose to follow Steve back to go after Hydra. I fell from that train. If they hadn't found me, I would have died. I had no future."

"Are you actually putting a positive spin on this?"

Bucky shrugged. "I'm alive, right? Everything else can be dealt with."

Tears filled Sasha's eyes, and Bucky frowned.

"Shit. Is that bad? Am I not dealing with this right?"

Sasha shook her head. "No, Bucky, it's good. Very good."

He wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

"Why are you crying?"

She rested her forehead against his.

"You've come such a long way, so quickly. Most people, something like this would take years... decades to get over."

"I'm not over it, yet."

"I know, but it's progress."

Bucky smiled. "I can't imagine you cry over every patient who makes progress."

Sasha pulled back, and pressed her hand against his chest.

"You know you're different."

"Yeah, a real hard-case."

"Without sounding too conceited, you were brought to me because I'm one of the best. My work is my life. I could count on one hand how many dates I've been on in the last decade, and I wouldn't have to use every finger."

"Ouch."

"That's just it. It was by choice. It doesn't upset me." Her eyes followed her finger as it trailed over his chest. "Remember when you told me I made you want things you thought you shouldn't want?"

"I do."

"You made me want things I thought I didn't want."


	9. Chapter 9

Bucky cut his hair. He wanted to feel more like his old self, and Sasha couldn't argue. The man Bucky saw when he looked in the mirror was important, and a simple hair cut could do wonders. The shave surprised her, though. He hadn't mentioned shaving his beard, and she missed the feel of it under her fingers when she touched his face, but she didn't tell him. He needed to feel comfortable in his own skin. She would get used to it being smooth if that was what he wanted, but after a few days of close shaving he started to take longer between shaves, until his face stayed scruffy most of the time. The long hair also returned as weeks passed without another cut.

The bruises on Sasha's neck were gone, but Bucky was still wary when it was time to sleep. It took weeks for him to relax without staring at the ceiling for half an hour.

The first nightmare after the incident, Bucky woke up in a sweat. He bolted upright, waking Sasha.

"Nightmare?"

Bucky nodded.

"What was it this time?"

Bucky lay back down and pulled Sasha into his arms. Sasha knew what that wordless action meant.

"No talking?"

"No."

She snuggled against his chest and drifted back to sleep as he stroked his fingers through her hair.

The next couple of nightmares were about the same. Until one finally broke him. Bucky sat up with a scream so loud that Sasha was sure her neighbor would call the police. It was a scream of anguish, not fear or anger. Sasha waited for him to calm, then spoke his name in a soft voice before she placed her hand on his shoulder. Bucky's shoulders hunched and he covered his face with his hands.

"It's ok," she whispered.

"This is far from ok."

"Tell me about your nightmares."

Bucky shook his head.

"I want to help you. I can't do that if you won't talk to me."

Bucky flopped onto his back and ran his hands over his face.

"It's you. Ever since that night, my nightmares are about you."

"I'm fine."

"I lay next to you every night, and I'm afraid to touch you."

Sasha lay next to him, on her side, with her hand propping up her head.

"You touch me all the time," she said as she caressed his face.

He stared at her lips. "Not the way I want to."

"Why not?"

"I don't wanna hurt you."

"How could you hurt me?"

"You really don't get how much I want you? I'm afraid my self control will go out the window, and..."

"The serum?"

"It made me stronger. If I hurt you... It'll kill me."

"So, when you say you want to touch me-"

"I mean I want to do more in this bed than sleep."

Sasha nodded. "Then I should get us a deck of cards or something."

Bucky laughed and buried his face in her neck.

"Damn, I love you, doll."

The words barely left his mouth and his entire body tensed.

"Bucky, baby, I know the weight of those words, especially for you. You can take them back if you weren't really ready, but..." She lay back and lifted his face, and made sure he was looking right into her eyes. "I love you, too."

He stared down at her for a moment before his lips crashed onto hers, and he slid his right hand into her hair.

"You have to tell me if I'm hurting you."

"I promise."

Bucky propped himself up on his metal arm, and trailed his right hand down Sasha's body until it rested on her hip.

She ran her hand over his stubbled jaw as they kissed. Bucky moved to hover over her, and she slipped her fingers under his shirt. He let out a ragged breath as she pulled the shirt up. He pushed himself back onto his knees and pulled the shirt off over his head.

Sasha stared at his left shoulder and ran her fingers over the skin where it met his metal arm. Bucky froze, watching her every move.

"Does it turn you off?"

"Not at all. I just... I never saw you with your shirt off. I've never seen your arm here," she said as she ran her fingers over the scarred flesh. She grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss. "Not a turn off," she whispered.

They shed the rest of their clothes as hands explored. Bucky lifted Sasha's leg onto his hip and eased into her. Her moan filled the room. Bucky stilled, and kissed her neck.

"I've wanted you for so long," he whispered.

Sasha opened her mouth to speak, but Bucky ground his hips into her and all that came out was a whimper.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No... Stop worrying. Make love to me."

Sasha rolled her hips and Bucky moaned. He thrust into her. Sasha cried out, but laced it with a laugh to let Bucky know she was ok. When he picked up his pace, Sasha pulled him into a deep kiss, until she had to pull away for air. She fisted her fingers in his hair and Bucky grunted.

"Bucky..." Sasha sucked his earlobe between her lips.

Cool metal slipped around her waist and shifted the angle of her hips, and Sasha came undone. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and trembled against him, but his rhythm never faltered. He slowed his pace to let her catch her breath before he drove her to the edge again. Sasha whimpered and moaned as her body went limp.

Bucky stilled inside of her.

"You quittin' on me?" he asked.

"I'm exhausted."

Bucky nuzzled her nose with his, then kissed her neck. "Would I hurt you if I keep going?"

Sasha chuckled through her heavy breaths. "Your stamina is insane... No. You won't hurt me."

Bucky started slow again. He kissed and licked along Sasha's neck and chest until she was back on the edge. Her body gave in when his trembled against her.

He rolled onto his back and pulled her on top of him. She straddled his hips and lay down on his chest.

"You ok?" he asked.

Sasha kissed his chest. "I'm better than ok."

Bucky kissed her head and rubbed her back with his right hand. He left his metal arm stretched out to the side.

Sasha nuzzled her face into his neck.

"Hold me."

"I am."

"With both arms."

Bucky hesitated. "Sasha..."

"I know your fear, but I'm not afraid of your arm. It's part of you, and I'm not afraid of you."

She pulled his metal arm over her waist. It took a few minutes before Bucky wrapped it tighter around her, and she sighed.

"Are you really not scared of me? Even after the way I hurt you?"

Sasha lifted her head to look at him. "An isolated incident. And it hurt you more than it hurt me. I've never seen someone so devastated because they hurt someone else."

Bucky brushed a strand of hair from her face. "If I hadn't let go..."

"But you did. Do me favor?"

"Anything."

"Stop talking about that night, and tell me if I'm going to have the pleasure of multiple orgasms every time we make love."

Bucky laughed. "Enjoyed yourself?"

"I enjoyed you."

Bucky pulled her into a kiss. When they broke away, he was smiling, and Sasha traced his lips with her finger.

"You're gorgeous when you smile."

Bucky blushed, but he slid his right hand down between her legs. Sasha's mouth opened as she sucked in a breath, and her eyes fluttered shut.

"You're gorgeous like this," he whispered.

He only teased her a bit before resting his hand on her rear. She kissed his neck then lay her head on his chest. Bucky smoothed her hair back from her face and kissed her head.

"I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you, too, baby."


	10. Chapter 10

Sasha tried to get out of bed without waking Bucky, but his arm snaked around her waist and he pulled her back into his embrace and kissed her neck.

"Bucky, I have to go to work."

"I wanna repeat last night."

Sasha groaned, but extended her neck to give him better access.

"We can... tonight."

"Now."

Bucky flipped her onto her back and pinned down her wrists while he kissed her. She moaned into his mouth, but smiled. He was confident, unlike the night before. He was using his metal arm to hold her down. That surprised her considering his fears. She didn't resist, even to be playful. He had to know that she felt safe with him.

"You're going to make me late."

"How about you call in sick?"

"I can't do that, Bucky."

His metal fingers squeezed her wrist a little, and the thought of being completely at the mercy of this man triggered something in her. She stared at him, seeing him a little differently than before. This tender, caring man had the strength and ability to take complete control of her.

She swallowed hard and cleared her throat.

"Bucky... I have an early session. I can't be late."

"You're mine tonight?"

"I'm yours every night."

Bucky groaned, pressed his lips to hers, then moved to her side to let her up.

"You mind if I go back to sleep?"

"Not at all."

The knock on the door surprised her. She pulled on her robe and checked through the peep hole. Her partner from the hospital stood there, so she opened the door.

"Mark, it's a bit early for a visit. What's wrong?"

"Look, I put it off as long as I could. You're a great doctor, and I didn't want to believe that you-"

"Babe, is that Steve?"

Bucky walked into the room in his boxers, and Mark's face fell.

"It's true. You're sleeping with a patient?"

"Hang on." Sasha rubbed her forehead. "First of all, he's not officially my patient anymore. He was discharged."

"You still schedule sessions with him, Sasha! I've seen your appointment book. I have to report this."

"We haven't been sleeping together."

"Oh, come on. The man is in his underwear."

"He has nightmares. I've been monitoring his sleep."

"He called you 'babe'... Look me in the eye and tell me you've never been intimate."

Sasha opened her mouth to lie, but she couldn't do it. She looked at Bucky, and his eyes were full of questions. She could only assume he took her words to heart about monitoring his sleep as the only reason he was there. She couldn't hurt him, not even to protect her career.

"I can't," she said.

He shook his head. "I have to suspend you."

Sasha nodded.

"Wait," Bucky said, "you're not gonna fight this?"

"Bucky, I told you back when this was just flirting that my career would be on the line. I decided to take the risk. I have to face the consequences."

"You can't overrule him? You're the head of the hospital."

"Not anymore," she said. "I had a session in half an hour. Will you be able to take it? The patient is familiar with you."

"I'll take it," Mark said. "I'm really sorry. I hate to do this, but-"

"I know. I broke the rules," she said with a shrug. "I knew what I was doing."

He glanced at Bucky. "I hope it was worth it."

Sasha smiled. "I think so, yeah."

As soon as they were alone again, Bucky took Sasha's face in his hands.

"You should have fought it."

She put her hands over his. "I can't. He saw us with his own eyes. There was no getting out of it."

"You could have lied."

"I could have... Didn't want to. Might as well let everyone know I'm in love, right?"

Bucky pressed his lips to hers, then pulled her into his arms, her head tucked beneath his chin.

"I don't deserve you," he whispered.

Sasha took his face in her hands. "You deserve everything good. You're so good, Bucky." She kissed him. "You're so good, and so sweet."

She pressed kisses to his lips and face until he captured her lips with his, and he lifted her into his arms. He carried her back to bed, but they didn't make love. They held each other for a while until they were hungry enough to have to face the rest of the day.

Tony showed up at Sasha's door that afternoon.

"I got your voicemail," he said. "Sounded like it might be bad news."

She motioned to the couch. "You didn't have to come over."

"I prefer bad news in person. So, give it to me."

"Ok. I won't be able to have sessions with you anymore."

"Why not? Something I said?"

"No. It's... I've been suspended pending an investigation, which won't take long. I'm losing my license, Tony."

"Is it about Barnes?"

"In a way."

"Shit."

"What?"

"It's my fault. I did it."

"You did what?"

"It was right after you told me about my parents. The next morning I called the hospital and ratted the two of you out."

"It was you? How did you even know?"

"Any idiot could see you two had a thing. I didn't know how far it went, but I was so pissed, and I wanted to hurt Barnes. After a few of our sessions I was wishing I hadn't done it, but I never got any feedback. I thought they ignored it, so I let it go."

Sasha balled her fists as tears filled her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Sasha."

"No... It's not really your fault. I did what you reported. But now you have to find someone else if you want to keep going with therapy."

"Says who?"

"Tony, I have no license."

"What if I hire you as a consultant for Stark Industries?"

"Are you kidding me? What could I possibly consult on?"

"Mental health? Look, I wasn't really interested in this stuff at first, even after our first sessions, before finding out about Barnes. Fact is, you're good, and it feels good to get some of that stuff out. I think all of us could use that."

"Us?"

"The Avengers."

"You want to hire me as the unofficial shrink for the Avengers?"

"Why not? They would fight it at first, especially Romanoff, but I think it's a good idea. I could pay you triple what you're making now."

Sasha sat staring at him, trying to process some kind of reply.

"Hey, babe, they didn't have the-"

Bucky froze, take out bag in hand, when he saw Tony.

"Shit," he mumbled under his breath.

Tony stood. "I didn't realize Barnes would be here."

"He lives here."

"Wow, you two really were..."

"I told you that you weren't wrong. Well, you were when you reported it, but not now."

"Stark is the one who got you fired?"

Sasha stood as Bucky moved toward Tony.

"I'll explain later, but no. I made the choice to risk my career. No matter what else has happened, I wouldn't have lost my job if I hadn't gotten involved with a patient."

Bucky stared at her for a moment.

"It's not your fault, either," she said. "I made the choice. I don't regret it."

Bucky tried to hide a grin, but Sasha saw his eyes brighten just a bit before he turned to Tony.

"What are you doing here?"

"Offering her a job."

"Tony feels bad about what happened. He thinks I should be on the Avengers team."

"Officially under Stark Industries," Tony said. "You could actually move into the tower to be nearby when the others come in."

"That wouldn't be necessary."

"Well... you'd have a room if needed."

"And would Bucky be allowed to stay there, too?"

Stark eyed Bucky and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Sure."

Sasha nodded. "It is a generous offer."

"Think it over. If you accept, I'll have the paperwork drawn up."

Tony left without another word. Bucky brought the food into the kitchen before returning to the living room.

"You're going to accept?"

Sasha sat with a huff, and Bucky sat next to her.

"It is a great offer," she said.

"You wouldn't need that offer if he hadn't said anything."

"Bucky... let it go. It's done."

"He reported you because it was me, right? It was my fault."

Sasha straddled his lap and took his face in her hands.

"None of this is your fault. None of it."

"Sure feels like it."

She kissed him, then rested her forehead against his, and his hands rested on her hips.

"Take the job," he said.

"You think I should?"

"Might as well take it while Stark feels guilty enough to offer."

Sasha chuckled. "When did you get so intuitive?"

Bucky shrugged.

"Nah... you've always been intuitive. I've seen it from the beginning."


End file.
